


Moondust

by Damewhore



Series: Finnpoe one shots based on songs [3]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Depression, Force Bond (Star Wars), Grief/Mourning, M/M, Panic Attacks, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:42:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27843928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Damewhore/pseuds/Damewhore
Summary: The war has ended but Poe mourns for those he lost and is scared he'll lose Finn too.
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Poe Dameron & Karé Kun, Poe Dameron/Finn
Series: Finnpoe one shots based on songs [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1582945
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	Moondust

**Author's Note:**

> To Vera, for always encouraging me.

The war took so much from him. So much that when it was finally over, the anxiety of it stayed.

Poe’s biggest fear during the war was losing everyone he loved, and even when he actually did and the war was over that feeling stayed.

And it was worse than before.

During the war there’s always that fear and those casualties but what about those lost afterwards? Nothing prepares you for that and Poe knows that very well.

His dad lost his mom five years after their war was over.

He lost Muran years before his war started.

And then the war took L’ulo, Snap and Leia from him. When would it be enough? When would the universe start to give instead of take?

_ But the universe did give you…  _ he thought.

_ He brought you and Finn together. But… but what if the universe decides to take Finn away as well? _

The thought of losing Finn made his eyes burn with hot tears running on his cheeks. He couldn’t lose Finn as well… not him.

But if the war was over why did the feeling stay?

_ Because everything you touch you ruin, everyone you love eventually dies. _

But Poe wouldn’t allow that. Not this time. Because deep down, he knows that it’s his fault. It must be.

He knows what he has to do even if it hurts like Hell.

* * *

  
  


“You okay?”

Poe was so absorbed in his work that he hadn’t realised Finn entered their tent.

Ajan Kloss was supposed to be a temporary base so there were no actual rooms. People were assigned in pairs and of course Poe was assigned with Finn. Until earlier that day at least.

“Yeah buddy i’m good. How are you?” He never raised his eyes to actually look at him and he hated how stoic he sounded. Even though he was still looking at his datapad he could practically feel Finn stand there and cross his arms.

“Funny thing is I was actually having a nice day up till Rose came up to me and told me that you requested to change room. Is it true?”

Poe swallowed feeling his throat dry and began to say exactly what he planned to say in his most believable voice, feeling more like a droid than human.

“Yeah i did… I didn't think it would upset you… I just wanted to stay with Kare. The idea of her staying alone after everything that happened doesn’t sit right with me.”

Not all of that was a lie, that’s why he was able to sell it so well. The worst thing after what happened with Muran were the nightmares and Kare and Iolo were both there for him when he needed them.

He was glad he was going to help Kare even a little but if he wanted to be honest with himself, it broke his heart to leave Finn… They slept in the same room-tent for a year now since they settled in Ajan Kloss. Finn was always there to hold him tight and talk to him every time Poe had a nightmare and the thought of waking up alone terrified him.

He felt Finn loosen up and his voice going soft “Of course not, I just- I just wished you told me.”

He started walking towards Poe and with every step, Poe felt his heartbeat rising and an energy floating around them feeling more and more  _ right  _ as Finn came closer.

He finally reached Poe and knelt down beside him.

“Are you sure this is all it is about?” He gently placed a hand on Poe's shoulder.

Poe moved his shoulder in a sharp move, dropping Finn’s hand.

His heart ached immediately.

“What else could there be?” He got up and started packing his things. It was already getting late and most importantly, those few minutes with Finn had been the worst few minutes of his life. If he didn’t leave the room now he would have a breakdown.

From the corner of his eye he saw Finn getting up as well.

“You just seem… distant I guess.”

Poe didn’t answer. He silently thanked the Force as he zipped his bag that he didn’t have much stuff to pack and turned to walk outside.

He took one step before Finn softly stopped him by grabbing his shoulders.

“Poe… look at me”

Poe tried to focus on the small table behind Finn to hold it together. He measured his options and realised he didn’t have a choice… he could always say something harsh and get on with it but he would never hurt Finn that way. Never.

He slowly raised his eyes to find Finn’s and realised how concerned the man in front of him was. His eyes had worry with a touch of sadness and Poe hated that he was the cause of that.

“You know that you can talk to me about anything, right? Whatever it is… i’m always gonna be here for you”

Poe cleared his throat and tried to make his voice as flat as possible.

“Yeah buddy, i know.”

Finn searched his eyes one last moment before nodding and letting him go.

“Okay then” he said in a voice that now sounded a bit hoarse. 

“I guess i’ll see you tomorrow.”

Poe nodded and offered him a fake smile before turning to leave their tent.

He didn’t look back.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Poe was thankful that the tents weren’t all in the same place, so Kare’s was really far from his previous one. It was a solid 10 minutes walk from one to the other and the fresh air cleared his head.

His feelings from the moment he just shared with Finn reassured him that he was doing the right thing.

_ Finn is gonna be okay. He’s gonna find someone to love him eventually and he will get the life he deserves. _

Ajan Kloss reminded him a lot of his home. It made him feel safe and nostalgic at the same time but it was still the most positive feeling he had these past days… or more accurately the past year. As soon as the Resistance was back on its feet and the Republic would start forming again, he planned on returning home for good.

He would spend the rest of his life with his dad and his one-of-kind droid and it was more than he deserved. He had accepted that.

He had also decided that he wouldn’t tell anyone about this. He couldn’t bear saying goodbye to Finn.

He finally reached Kare’s tent and found it open.

“Kare? You here?”

Kare’s head popped up and smiled at him. Her eyes were swollen.

“Hey… come in.”

He got in it and only after he placed his bag on the floor he remembered a very specific detail he hadn’t taken care of.

“Is it okay if i crash with you tonight?”

Kare side-eyed him.

“Did you fight with Finn?”

“I just want to give him space”  _ or more accurately give myself space. _

“Poe…” Kare sighed. She motioned him to come sit next to her and he obeyed.

“Listen, i know you’re too stubborn to listen to anyone but, hear me out on this… don’t waste your time with bullshit like this. Just embrace your feelings and go up there and-”

Poe got up and rubbed his face with his hands. He couldn’t do this right now. 

“Finn and I already had that talk and he doesn’t feel that way so can i please stay here?”

He never made eye contact with her and he felt sick to his stomach in how good he became at lying.

“Oh Poe…” Kare got up and embraced him tightly.

_ This isn’t right,  _ he thought.

_ I should be the one comforting her and now she feels like she has to do this for me because I lied to her. _

He felt disgusted with himself. He hugged Kare back, trying to provide comfort to her as well.

“It’s gonna be okay… I’m just gonna go to Jess and Suralinda really quick to cancel and I'll get back in no time.”

Poe felt even worse now. She had already plans and he just ruined that as well.

“No please, don’t- don’t cancel. I’m gonna be okay just staying alone for a bit.”

She looked at him curiously.

“You sure?”

_ Absolutely not, this is the last thing I want. _

“Yeah, I promise.... please go, i will feel better that way.”

“You can come with me you know-”

He looked at her with panic raging over him. There’s no way Jess would believe any lie he would try to sell.

“No Kare please, it’s better that way… and please don’t say anything to anyone yet.”

Kare rubbed her hand in his back. “Of course i won’t… don’t worry about it.”

She gave him the best smile she could. “Stay as long as you like… mi casa es tu casa”

* * *

  
  
  


The night was colder than usual. Or maybe it wasn’t and that’s how he felt without Finn. He could practically feel the nightmares at the corner of his mind, waiting to haunt him.

Why did it have to be like this? Why did he have to hurt so much? Why couldn’t he go to Finn and hug him until the sun finds them and tell him everything he feels before his heart explodes?

Why must he be alone. He was scared of being alone since he was a little boy and he watched his parents leave again and again and again… and then one day they returned and said it was over and nothing bad would happen again and then five years later his mother died.

And then he found Muran and everything was great. So great. They first met at the academy and Poe could still remember the first time they saw each other. It was in a hallway and as soon as Poe saw him, his heart started beating faster. 

In some of their common classes Muran would sit a few desks in front of him and he would often turn to see Poe and smile and Poe would just look down, smile back and bit his lip. Then they would walk side to side, their hands touching, fingers intertwined.

What they had was so pure and beautiful. They were young, they were in love and everything was as it should be.

Sobs made their way to his throat and he started shaking.

He missed Muran so much. And his mom. And L’ulo. And Snap. And Leia.

But most of all he missed Finn. His mind and body were screaming for him, aching for him. He longed to hear his voice.

_ Why am I doing this to myself? Why can’t I just go and hug him and tell him everything? _

_ But that’s just it. I’m the one that pushed him away. I’m nothing but a burden to him. If i continued this i would just drug him down with me and that isn’t fair for him. _

So he cried and sobbed and kept looking at the entrance of his tent, imagining Finn coming in, trying to comfort himself.

Every minute that passed was worse than the minute before. His heart was racing in his chest and he couldn’t breathe. He was so scared and alone, he hated feeling alone.

_ “Come on Poe, you can do this, breathe in and out, in and out, in…”  _ he tried to take deep breaths and try to sleep but the thought of sleeping reminded him of his nightmares and he would start shaking and crying again in an endless circle, his breathing never evening out.

He got up and walked quickly outside before he changed his mind. 

Halfway there he thought about it again… he couldn't do that to Finn. What was he thinking?

Actually he wasn’t thinking because if he was he would never do that.

He heard someone approaching and realised immediately it was Finn. He hid behind a navigation chart just in time and realised with an ache that Finn was looking for him in Kare’s tent.

_ “I can feel your pain through the Force”  _ he told him once and Poe could see it now. He could clearly see how bad he was for Finn.

He was ready now.

He got up and washed his face with a bottle of water he found in a room they called “kitchen” but was really just a table under an open tent. After he was calm enough he knelt down and started digging the dirt with his hands. He took off his mother’s ring and buried it there.

It belonged to Finn and yet Finn couldn’t have it.

_ I’m sorry Finn… one day you will thank me for this. I’m burying my love to give the world to you. _

He wiped his fresh tears and got up. He walked slowly back to the tent to give himself as much time possible to calm down because Finn was waiting for him.

“Poe!”

Finn ran to him and reached out to take his hands but Poe just looked down, shaked his head and took a step back. Finn didn’t reach out again.

“Are you okay?”

He was hurt and worried and Poe hated that.

“Why are you always asking me that.” he kept his voice as low as possible, never looking at him.

“And why aren’t you even looking at me?”

Poe raised his eyes, not having the courage to do this.

“I’m just tired bud- Finn.” he took a deep breath. “Can we please talk about this tomorrow?”

“Poe!” Finn sounded desperate.

_ “I felt you hurting… hurting so much and calling for me and-” _

Hot tears runned down Poe’s cheeks again. “Enough! Please stop!”

Finn just looked at him stunned.

“I don’t need you. Maybe start using the Force on something more useful than me.”

“Why are you doing this? What happened? Did I say something? Did I hurt you somehow? Poe whatever it is we can fix it, together, i’m not giving up on you-”

“Well maybe you should.”

He felt a stab in the heart both his pain and he was sure he also felt Finn’s pain through the Force. Shame washed over him and looked down again. He was in it now so he had to finish it no matter how much it would hurt. He owed this much to Finn.

“I don’t want you in my life anymore. I just want to leave it all behind and live a peaceful life with no one but myself. Is it so hard to see?”

He could feel Finn hurting for him and looking at him, waiting.

“Just let me go.”

Poe looked at him and begged him with his eyes.  _ Please Finn… for your sake let me go. _

“Is that-” Finn took a trembling breath.

“Is that really what you want?”

Poe looked at him and tried to drown his feelings. He had to do this, he had to gather all the strength he had left and do this.

“Yes.”

Finn nodded his head and wiped his tears. 

“Alright then.” He offered him a fake smile. “Goodbye Poe.”

Poe heard him leave, not once looking at him and ran back to Kare’s tent as soon as Finn left. He barely made it inside before he collapsed to the ground.

He cried and sobbed again, this time not holding anything back. So he screamed and shouted about everything, his heart feeling empty knowing that this time Finn wouldn't come looking for him.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


When Kare got in, she found him completely sleepless, watching above, his eyes red and swollen both from exhaustion and crying. He was sitting in the back of the room, one knee close to his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around it. He looked completely broken in every possible meaning of that sentence.

_ “Poe?! What’s wrong? What happened?” _

She ran to him and placed her palm on his forehead before he could stop her.

_ “Stars, you’re burning up” _

He was wondering why Kare returned so early when he noticed the rays of sunshine that warmed the tent inside and realised it wasn’t early at all. He just couldn’t sense time anymore.

He was getting crazy.

“I’m just-” He made an effort to get up and fell to the side. His head felt like it was actually cracking up, the pain becoming almost unbearable. He breathed in and on his second try, he managed to get up.

“I’m just gonna go now-”

Kare caught his arm and tried to make him sit down again.

“Nonsense! I’m not letting you go anywhere like this, let me bring the med droid-”

He dragged his arm away from her and the sharp movement made him dizzy, almost pushing him down again.

“That won’t be necessary, thank you-”

He stumbled out of the tent, the rays of the sun attacking and burning his eyes immediately.

Everything blurred out together. The faces of the people walking beside or far away from him, the proud green of Ajan Kloss, the Navigation charts, the droids, the noises, the voices.

He dug his nails in his hair, making scratches to his head, using the pain as a guide to focus. He closed his eyes tightly trying to stop all the information coming to him at once.

He felt someone shaking him after time passed (it was probably less than a minute but to him it felt like a century).

_ “Poe you’re scaring me, what’s wrong?” _

Kare’s voice felt lightyears away.

_ “Poe stop! Stop hurting yourself please, you’re bleeding.” _

_ He needed to leave. The more he stayed, the more he hurt the people that cared about him. Why did people still care about him? _

His mind cleared just a little bit, but it was enough for him to start running with all the strength he had left. 

He soon reached his X-Wing.

* * *

  
  


Finn managed to sleep a couple of hours, or more accurately just lay down with closed eyes. Poe’s words refused to leave his mind and ease him.

He knew Poe was getting worse, for some time now. The nightmares got more frequent, he constantly found things to distract him and every time Finn began to talk about it, Poe rejected it immediately.

Finn of course didn’t press on it but he tried to be there for him and comfort him as much as Poe allowed him to.

Deep down he knew that Poe would open up eventually. 

How could he be this wrong about this? How could he not see how far gone Poe was?

Or maybe he saw it but didn’t really want to see it, if that would ever make sense. But what he felt last night woke him up both literally and metaphorically.

He has never felt so helpless before… he could feel Poe’s pain and desperately calling for him and Finn’s heart broke into a million tiny pieces. He was so shaken up that he handled the situation completely wrong.

“You’re off today.”

Rey was sitting across him on the breakfast table, chewing some kind of bread. It was late for breakfast but she always kept him company.

“Yeah i just-”

_ “Finn!” _

Kare’s voice filled his heart the same amount of worry as last night and he felt a thousand needles penetrating his stomach as he stood up.

Something was terribly wrong.

Kare reached them breathless, “ _ Poe is-, i don’t- i’ve never seen him like that.” _

Rey got up, also feeling on edge and Finn’s heart was beating out of his chest, his fear s already feeding his imagination with hundreds of bad scenarios as to what could’ve happened.

Kare was moving all over the place and Finn stopped her, with his hands on the upper part of arms.

“Kare please calm down, and look at me. What happened?” he hoped he didn’t sound as panicked as he actually was.

_ “He was hurting himself and there was blood and- oh stars, he went to his X-Wing.” _

Finn widened his eyes.  _ “He’s leaving?!” _

Poe said last night that he planned on leaving but so soon?

_ “Finn he’s in no condition to fly, he’s gonna die if he actually-” _

Finn didn’t let her finish that sentence and he started running to the hangar (it was not really a hangar they just called it that.)

His lungs burned as he breathed in and out and ran faster than he ever has.

He was feeling Poe drifting away… getting colder and darker, somewhere Finn couldn’t reach and- that’s the best way he could describe the feeling.

_ Please Poe don’t do this to me. _

His breaths were hot and he felt his body tear apart the air- like the air itself was the enemy here and not time. Like it was the air and the evening breeze slowing him down.

His imagination kept pushing a  _ horrible  _ image of Poe covered in blood, his eyes open but lost, his heart not beating in his chest anymore and it only made Finn run faster.

He saw the X-Wing take off before he reached it.

He was late.

He stopped about ten meters from the place the X-Wing took off and was now several meters off the ground, sending waves of air everywhere.

Finn clenched his teeth.

_ I’m not giving up on you. _

He raised his hand, palm open and used the Force to keep the ship close.

It took his breath away. It was the hardest thing he’s done so far… in his training with Rey he had only lifted rocks, but this- this was different.

He tried to stay still and concentrate but this was so hard… he had managed to keep the ship stable, its engines crying out in an alarming smoke, but he could feel it slip away.

He turned the palm of his other hand to the ground, using the force to stabloe himself. 

He was breathing hard now, cold sweat washing him over. He suddenly felt everything easier, getting control again and saw with the corner of his eye Rey helping him.

She was struggling as much as him but together they could do it. They could save him.

* * *

  
  


Poe’s head was burning hot, his body feeling numb inside the cockpit. His hands were shaking holding the controls.

He was in the air but he had zero control of actually flying. Something was holding him back.

_ This isn’t real, this isn’t real, this- _

His heart was racing, his breathing short.

_ I must be dreaming, I must be- wake up. _

He pushed the engine to the edge. Usually in a dream, the moment he would crash, he’d just jump awake.

He thought he was finally getting away. And this wasn’t real.

_ Or was it? _

He couldn’t tell anymore.

Should he crash and hope to wake up or just let go?

His head was pounding and he was cold and wanted this to finally be over.

He pushed the engine to the edge and everything went dark.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Finn watched with horror as the too familiar white and orange X-Wing crashed in the woods, 30 meters above, as the engines failed.

He ran immediately towards the crash and caught a glimpse of Rey kneeling down before he disappeared completely.

The nose of the ship had the most damage, and thank the Force the cockpit looked in a better condition.

Finn removed the upper part using the Force and got Poe out. He wasn’t even wearing a helmet. Poe was reckless yes, but this was something else. This was something he would never do.

Once they were on the ground, Poe was still unconscious, with blood running from a wound in his eyebrow and his mouth. He also had rough nail marks in the sides of his head but that was not the worst of it.

As Finn tried to hold Poe in a better, more gentle way, he saw blood on his own hand. Blood from the backside of Poe’s head.

_ Too much blood. _

_ “No no no no no no no” _

Poe’s eyelids were closed in such…  _ harmony… _ like he was resting now for the first time in his life.

Even though there were bruises and cuts all over his face, he looked like an angel.

_ “Poe, look at me. Please, please open your eyes, please…” _

His voice turned to a whisper at the end.

He took a deep breath and focused on his training. His hands were shaking but he didn’t have the time to calm right now.

_ Inhale… _

_ Exale… _

He placed his left hand under Poe’s head, where the wound was and his right arm stayed wrapped around Poe’s body, keeping him steady.

He focused, his breathing evened out and he started passing life force to take care of Poe’s injury. If he could just do that, he would save him.

He tried to ignore the sick feeling of Poe drifting away. 

_ Not like this, not now. _

He didn’t know a lot about the Life Force but right now he only needed just a bit of it.

Tears started steaming down his face but he wouldn’t give up.

The effort was exhausting him and he couldn’t keep on but he had to.

_ He had to. Poe couldn’t just die like this… not now, not before Finn would have a chance to tell him- _

He felt Poe’s hand shift under his own.

Finn opened his eyes and saw the other man move his head a bit and then slowly open his eyes as well.

Poe’s brown, beautiful and  _ alive  _ eyes searched something in the sky and around them before looking at Finn.

_ “Finn?” _

His voice was confused and just a bit louder than a whisper. He slowly got into a sitting position and Finn helped him. Their eyes were at the same level now.

“What happened?”

Finn let a few seconds pass before answering.

“You crushed.”

Poe widened his eyes at that and looked down. “So i wasn’t dreaming…”

He looked at Finn again.  _ “You saved me.” _

He sound surprised.

“Of course I did.”

Poe looked at him for what felt like forever, completely shocked.  _ “Why?” _

_ Did he really ask me why? _

Finn’s heart ached… Poe was honestly doubting. Finn wanted nothing more than to embrace him and never let go.

_ “Because I love you, dumbass.” _

He tried to give Poe a faint smile as he saw a fresh tear making its way to his wounded cheek.

He closed his eyes again and shook his head.

_ “I don’t deserve that. I don’t even get why.” _

Finn’s eyes softened. “Poe… you are one the greatest, kindest people I-”

_ “No Finn.”  _ Poe looked at him again before his broken voice continued.

_ “What i am is a mess. Nothing more than a mess. And I will drag you down with me and deep down you know that and you know that you deserve someone better. Someone good, someone that can go on a night without screaming for you, someone that can be there for you. This- me. This isn’t fair for you. Not at all.” _

He wiped his eyes.

_ “Not at all.” _

Finn slowly raised his hands and cupped Poe’s face, his thumbs making small movements.

“We all have our demons Poe. And yes I know that you are in a very bad place right now. But if you let me, I can help you. I’m not saying i will fix you up or something stupid like that, because only one person can do that and that’s you. Only  _ you  _ can help yourself. But if you let me, I will be there to hold you hand along the way, no matter how hard that way is. I will always be here for you no matter how hard you try to push me away.”

Poe was crying silently, trying to hold back.

_ “You don’t know that.” _

“Poe i know how t feels now but-”

_ “No Finn-”  _ he took a sharp breath.

_ “How can you- What if i just lose you too” _

Finn sighed in relief. He finally knew what this is about.

“Poe… the war is over. And yes i know that the danger is always there but what can we do about it? Not live? Then we’re all dead already. We could have hundreds of years ahead of us but we could also just have today… don’t you wanna live that?”

Poe looked at him carefully.

_ “Poe i almost lost you today before i even got the chance to say how i feel about you. And if that actually happened, I-” _ he took a shaky breath, _ “I would never forgive myself.” _

Poe’s look was full of guilt but also relief.

_ “Damn it Finn.”  _ he almost smiled. “ _ I love you too.” _

Finn smiled, eyes and all.  _ “I know.” _

They moved at the same time and their mouths met in the middle. It wasn't heated but it was desperate and full of words that neither of them could fully express. 

They broke inches apart, eyes closed, and touched their foreheads, in a comforting way, feeling the Force around them.

They would be okay.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Time passed before Poe got the courage to go back and dig out his ring. But he eventually did, and when he gave it to Finn, his heart felt whole again.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was kinda personal... i've always wanted to write a finnpoe fic based on this song. I feel really proud of myself for publishing this and i hope you all like it. Feel free to leave a comment and thank you for reading!  
> P.S. This was based on the song "Moondust"


End file.
